OK - so I have been reading different stories about people coming out or struggling with coming out and how hard it is.  I feel for every single person struggling with this issue! 

As the parent of a gay son that came out to me last year, I wanted to talk about it from a parents point of view (well mine anyway, because it appears to me that many people react very differently!).

I had known for some time that he was gay… when I say that though, it built up from a slight thought, to a general feeling, through to being nearly certain.  I got to the point that I started to subtly (he says now - not so subtly!!) try to create opportunities for him to tell me or discuss it with me and he didn’t.  

He and I were pretty close and talked about a lot of things, but he just didn’t ever talk about being interested in anyone at all.  At first I thought that he was probably still struggling to come to terms with it himself and gave him time.  He appeared to be a pretty together and confident person though and I just didn’t know what was going on with him.  I went between thinking he was burying it and ignoring it, to thinking he was just dealing with it really well and hadn’t felt comfortable speaking to me about it. I also wondered if he wasn’t gay and I was making it all up in my head.  

For a number of months I tried to work out what was the best way to help or support him through this process.  I tried to research some things on the internet and didn’t really find anything that helped me to figure out what to do.  My husband and I have gay friends and were very vocal about the Prop 8 issue because we were actually in California visiting when it was going on.  I felt like he should know that I would support him, and it was the first time that as a parent I felt completely useless and unable to do anything.  My natural instincts to protect and support my child just weren’t cutting it.

During this time, one night I was sitting around having a few drinks with my best friend, her sister who is also a close friend and a number of their family.  My friend has been there for me during everything in my life from when I was around 15 onwards.  She is my soul sister and I love her deeply.  Her family is very Catholic and she teaches at a Catholic school.  The issue of gay marriage came up and she started arguing against it. Her sister was also arguing against it for different reasons.  Eventually I got up and walked away crying - they came after me and were really concerned about upsetting me.  From their point of view it had been a discussion that didn’t personally impact them, but for me it had suddenly gotten really personal.  

I told them I thought my son was gay and said that as a parent it breaks my heart to think that if he chooses to get married that he wouldn’t have that right.  We talked for a long time and it started to become personal for them as well.  They both loved my son a great deal and thought the world of him. I walked away that night realising something that I had not even thought of up until then.  I had been so worried about my son and how he was dealing with it all, that it took me by surprise that I might lose friends because of this.  I wasn’t prepared to have people in my life that wouldn’t accept him for everything he is.

Eventually I pushed my son into telling me.  In hindsight it may not have been the best thing to do and probably not in the right place, however I was genuinely starting to worry about him. I needed him to know that he had my support.  I wanted to tell him that it made no difference to me and that I would love him no matter what!

Suddenly it was as though a weight was lifted from our relationship, and we could finally talk about the “elephant in the room”.  Over the next few months it was great that he finally allowed me into that part of his life.  He could talk about the cute guy he was attracted to, or about his first kiss.  

I then went about calling my family and close friends to let them know.  It was so great that they all reacted pretty well and were generally very supportive of both him and me. It was difficult for me to do this however, because I knew that I wouldn’t react well to anyone that didn’t support him.

I now talk about my son to lots of people, because I genuinely believe that we have to educate people. I believe we can make a difference by sharing stories which is why I am sharing mine here.  I know that my best friend has since our discussion started to research a lot more and has a completely different point of view on gay marriage now. She has been wonderful and counts herself as lucky to know my son.

This is my story, or just a small part of it, but I hope that by sharing it, I may have shed some light on what a parent feels when they find out their son is gay.  I don’t pretend to speak for all parents, but I believe that most parents genuinely love and want to support their children if you give them the chance to.

I have hope that one day in the future there won’t even be such a thing as “coming out”.  I hope that one day it will just be accepted that you may be attracted to whoever you like without any judgement.

thanks for reading….